


Detoxify

by childoflightning



Series: just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [11]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angry Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Angst, Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders, Everyone's Doing Their Best, Found Family, Gen, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I am not a doctor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jaundice, Look this one hurts a lot, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Multi, Organ Failure, Organ Rejection, Organ Transplantation, Other, Past Suicide Attempt, Patton is Disabled, Roman is Muslim, Thinking Errors, Virgil has PTSD, Virgil has a Service Dog, negative thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 23:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20236399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning
Summary: It started with a fever.A perfectly normal fever of just over 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Nothing too concerning.But then Virgil's skin starts to yellow, and the signs can't be ignored. Virgil just really wished that everyone would stop making a big deal out of it. He doesn't need any more reminders of his past mistakes.OrVirgil's body starts to reject his liver.It's not a big of a deal as you think it is. Really, it isn't.





	Detoxify

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any and all medical inaccuracies, I did my best to research thoroughly, but I am not an expert.
> 
> **TW: Organ Transplants/Rejection/Failure, Needles (mentioned), Medical Procedures, Past Suicide Attempt (discussed), Overdose (past), Blood (mentioned), Survivor's Guilt**  
In-Depth TW in End Notes

It started with a fever.

Virgil wasn’t too worried about it. It wasn’t the first- nor the last- time he would have one. It sucked and he was miserable. But it wasn't concerning. Logan made fresh soup instead of opening a can, Roman brought him cold rags, and Patton read to him.

None of this was abnormal.

Virgil only became worried on day three of having a fever when he noticed both his skin and eyes had a yellowish tinge to them. A tinge that most people would generally pass off or think nothing of until it got worse. But Virgil knew exactly what it was.

“Shit,” he swore at his reflection.

“V, you okay?” one of his boyfriend’s called from the other room.

Virgil scrambled through the drawer below the sink counter and pulled out a container. He checked his meds to make sure he hadn’t missed any days.

(He hadn’t. He never did. It was too important).

“V?” a voice called again.

Virgil sighed and steeled himself for the inevitable conversation. He stepped out of the bathroom and joined the rest of his boyfriends in the living room.

“I’m okay,” he promised, even as he felt the sweat from the fever stick to his body.

“Are you sure?” Patton asked with a frown, “You seem, uh, more pale?”

“Virgil why are your eyes yellow?”

And really they weren’t even that yellow, Roman was overreacting. Now how to explain.

“Yellowing around the eyes and on the skin- or as it’s actually called, jaundice- is a sign of liver failure,” Logan spoke up from where he was reading a book.

All eyes but Logan’s shot to him.

“What?!” Patton screeched, “Oh my god, Virgil is your liver failing? I just thought you had a fever!”

Logan winced and clapped his hands over his ears at the shriek.

Roman chuckled, “His liver’s not failing Pat, he’s just really sick.”

“Uh, actually,” Virgil said, sheepishly rubbing his neck, “My liver probably is failing. Or well- my body is rejecting my liver.”

Patton and Roman just stared at him in horror.

“I didn’t know you had a liver transplant,” Logan mentioned, “Have you contacted your transplant coordinator and/or physician?”

“Not yet,” Virgil replied, only slightly surprised by the amount of knowledge that Logan had surrounding transplants, “I’m about to. But uh- usually this actually goes pretty fast and they see me right away. Probably the only thing hospitals are quick about. Organs are too expensive and in such high demand for them not to be. Do you think one of you could drive me?”

“Sure,” Logan spoke up, “Can we help at all?”

“Uh, I’m probably good. Last time this happened I passed out though. So that could happen.”

“What?” Patton yelped.

“Call whoever,” Logan told him, “then get back to us.”

“Right,” Virgil said, staring nervously at his other two boyfriends who still seemed too shocked to do much. Neither said anything else, so he left the room.

* * *

The call was quick and he had an appointment three hours out. Same day, even quicker than usual. Organ rejection really wasn’t something to mess around with.

He also called his father to inform him of what was going on. His father also seemed worried, but took it in stride. They talked briefly about Virgil’s plan before Virgil hung up with a promise to call back soon.

“Uh, I have an appointment at three fifteen, can you take me?” Virgil announced as he reentered the living room.

“Yeah,” Logan said. He was still reading his book on the couch.

“Okay-okay what the hell?” Roman said suddenly, “_What_ is going on? Virgil, your _liver_ is failing?”

“My body may be rejecting my liver,” he corrected as he moved to sit on the couch. Logan swung his feet off so Virgil could join him.

“You have a liver transplant?” came the next very predictable question.

This was also the edge of dangerous territory Virgil did not want to discuss.

“Yes,” he admitted, “I had a transplant when I was seventeen.”

“Why?”

And there came the billion dollar question. The single most important question that he absolutely did not want to answer. But he felt like his boyfriends should know. So he answered anyways.

“My second, and last, suicide attempt. OD’d. Destroyed my liver.”

The room went silent.

Which was pretty much what Virgil was expecting. I mean really, how do you respond to “oh yeah my body is rejecting the liver I got when I tried to kill myself at seventeen years old.” And since no one seemed to know how to respond, no one said anything. Virgil left the room.

When the time for his appointment came, he jumped in the car with Logan, Trixie right behind him, not even taking the time to say goodbye to his other two boyfriends.

They had been in the car for five minutes when Logan spoke up.

“Patton and Roman are worried about you,” he said.

Virgil sighed. He knew that. Of course they were worried. Not only had he admitted that he tried to kill himself- which yes, they did already know that, he had told all of his boyfriends about his two suicide attempts, but that still didn’t mean it was easy to talk about- there was also a good chance that he was rejecting his liver. Which was, y’know, not good considering he needed the organ to stay alive. Luckily, catching rejection early meant that this likely wouldn’t end badly. It was likely they could solve the issue and he would be fine.

But his body could still reject it. And if that happened, he’d have to find a new transplant. That is, if they’d give him one. It was even harder to get a second transplant, especially when they hadn’t exactly wanted to give him his original transplant in the first place. And then the new transplant could still be rejected as well.

Pretty much, what it rolled down to is that Virgil could die. Pretty easily too.

“I know,” he muttered out.

“_I’m_ worried about you as well,” Logan mentioned.

And for some reason that made Virgil angry.

“Look, I’m not going to do anything again. And this’ll probably all be fine. If I am rejecting it, which yeah I admit is pretty likely, it’s probably been caught early. The symptoms haven’t been long. I’m going to be _fine_.”

And yet Virgil still had trouble believing his own words.

Logan hesitated, seeming to want to say something more, but instead he fell silent and nodded.

“Okay,” he said, before repeating himself, “Okay, okay, okay.”

The appointment was quick. They asked him some questions and drew some blood. When they got the results- and assuming those results showed abnormal liver function- he would go back in for a biopsy.

He went home after and immediately went to bed. After all, he was feverish and his body was killing him. He deserved to sleep. Tomorrow he would talk to his boyfriends. Tomorrow.

* * *

He ran into Roman in the kitchen the next morning. Virgil was actually half tempted to turn around and just leave, but they both had obviously noticed each other. And yes, Virgil was uncomfortable with this whole conversation, but he wasn’t uncomfortable enough to leave his extremely worried boyfriend in the kitchen alone. That would just be cruel.

He didn’t owe his boyfriends an explanation, he knew that. But the thing was, no matter how hard Virgil thought this was going to be, he felt like they deserved one. He wanted to give them an explanation, uncomfortableness be damned. So he stayed in the kitchen.

And of course, Roman having no brain to mouth filter, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

Which was, “Are you going to die?”

And Virgil, having an equally horrible brain to mouth filter in stressful situations just responded, “I hope not.”

The two stared at each other, Virgil growing guiltier and guiltier by the minute. Because this was uncomfortable for him to talk about. But Roman look terrified. God, Roman thought he was going to die. Virgil hadn’t meant to do that.

After he collected his thoughts, Virgil spoke again.

“I’m probably rejecting my liver,” he told Roman, “And organ rejection is very serious. You can die. But, if you catch it early, and you’re healthy- which I am- you can be completely fine. Okay? There is very little risk for me right now. I’m going to be okay.”

“_Alhamilldulillah,_” Roman breathed out through teary eyes

Something inside of Virgil’s stomach clenched even harder. Jesus, he hadn’t meant to make his boyfriends worry this much.

“Look, Patton should be back soon, and Logan’s home, right? I’ll explain everything then,” Virgil promised.

Roman nodded weakly. Virgil sighed and opened his arms widely. The other boy walked a few paces over and collapsed into his arms. They hugged one another tightly, Roman softly crying into his shoulder.

* * *

All four of them sat at the table, varying degrees of worry, all for different reasons.

“Okay,” Virgil said, taking a deep breath to compose himself, “Okay. Uh, well first off, I went to the doctor yesterday. They drew blood and are going to test it. When the results come back- and they’ll probably come back with signs of abnormal liver function- I’ll go in to get a liver biopsy. The liver biopsy will be the official confirmation of whether my body is rejecting my liver or not.

“Assuming it comes back positive for organ rejection, I’ll go on pretty extreme immunosuppressants so that my body stops attacking my liver. From there, they watch me to make sure that there working. And- that’s pretty much it.”

“So your not going to die?” Patton said weakly.

“No, Patton, I’m not going to die,” Virgil insisted before pausing, “of course, there are concerns. My body- even with the immunosuppressants- could still attack my liver. Also, due to the immunosuppressants, I’m more at risk for different infections, and getting cancer as well. But, I’m healthy and if this is even happening, we probably caught it early. All of this is good and so I’m at a very low risk for either, okay?”

“But, if that happens?” Patton asked weakly.

“Well, both eventually lead to me needing another liver. And there’s not- that’s where things get tricky. Getting a second transplant is a lot more difficult. And well- there was lots of controversy about me even getting my fist-”

“What do you mean?” Logan asked.

Virgil said and crossed his arms, sinking his nails into his elbows. Trixie jumped up into his lap and nudged his arms apart. He released his elbows and pet her fur instead, breathing deeply as she settled her familiar weight against him. When he composed himself, and Trixie had gone back to sitting on the floor, he spoke again.

“I- Look transplants are hard to get, which you all probably know. So there’s rules about who does and doesn’t get transplants. And one of the things that is based on is life after the transplant. And I attempted suicide. Because of that, there was hesitancy to give me one because I could always attempt again and ruin the new liver. Not only destroying my own liver, but a liver that could have also gone to someone else.”

And they stared at him a bit.

Virgil wasn’t surprised. In fact, if he was the one in charge he probably wouldn’t have given him the liver. Not that he wasn’t thankful for it, he was very very thankful for it. It allowed him to live. And God, he didn't want to die. Not anymore. But Virgil knew where he had been at. He knew how easily he could have attempted again.

Honestly, the reason he probably hadn’t attempted again back then was due to the guilt he felt about taking away a perfectly good liver from someone else. A guilt that he still felt to this day, even if the suicidal thoughts didn’t carry over as well.

Because someone had died to give him this organ. And someone who needed this organ also probably died because it was Virgil who got it and not them. And Virgil would never stop feeling guilty for that. Never.

If only he had never attempted there could be one more person living. One more family without a loss.

“V?” a soft voice called, “Are- What’s- You’re crying.”

And that he was.

He swiped at the tears angrily.

Roman offered a hand next to him and he took it.

“What are you thinking?” Roman asked gently.

And it all came pouring out.

“I’m so fucking _stupid_,” he admitted.

And from the faces on his boyfriends look, that was not what they were expecting him to say. Virgil just decided to power through.

“Like, God, what was I _thinking?_ I tried to kill myself. And because of that I’ve got a fucked up body and liver that could literally fail me at any time. And just- I took the stupid thing and because of me someone is _dead_.”

“Virgil, what do you mean by ‘someone is dead?’” Patton asked. His other two boyfriends had similar looks of confusion.

“People die all the time because they don’t get the transplants they need,” Virgil stressed. He stood up from the table and started to pace. “All the time. And I could of- If I hadn’t- There would be no need for me to get a the stupid fucking transplant if I had just hadn’t overdosed. And then someone else would get it.

“Someone else who is probably dead now. And I took that from them, and whatever family they may have had. God what if they had kids? And their parents and significant others and friends and family- and I took that all away. I just- regret it so much,” Virgil admitted.

At this point the tears were flowing like waterfalls down his cheeks and his breathing was harsh and heavy.. He started to hyperventilate, unable to get even the slightest bit of air into his lungs. Trixie jumped up, pushing him slightly. He let her, falling back into his chair. She then draped herself across his lap to perform DPT.

His ears rang, a deep voice barely cutting through.

“Breathe Virgil. 4, 7, 8. It’s going to be okay, you know how to do this.”

He wasn’t sure if it was his own voice reminding himself, or one of his boyfriends walking him through the process

And Virgil sucked in air.

It took him another few minutes to completely calm down.

“Virgil, are you still okay to talk about this?” Logan asked, “Do you want to take a break?”

Virgil shook his head, “No it’s okay. We can continue.”

“V,” Pat said. The nickname caused Virgil to look up at Patton. His face was streaked with tears and worry had been carved deeply into his face. “V, while I am _so_ glad that you think your suicide attempt was a bad decision- because Virgil you are so _amazing_ I don’t know how-” he cut himself off before contining, “V, you didn’t take a transplant away from anyone. You were dying. You did deserve it.”

“But-”

“I don’t think this is about deserving,” Roman spoke up suddenly.

“Roman,” Patton hissed from his side.

“No, no, listen to me,” he continued. “Maybe Virgil didn’t deserve the transplant.”

And Virgil hung his head at the comment. Because that was exactly what he thought.

“Roman!” Patton said again, this time more than a little horrified.

Virgil didn’t know why. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t.

“No, I’m serious. Maybe Virgil didn’t deserve the transplant. And maybe he did. The world, doctors, ourselves, we could argue over that for forever. But arguing over it isn’t going to change things. Because Virgil _got_ the transplant,” Roman turned his gaze from the group directly to Virgil, “And you feel like you don’t deserve it.”

Virgil studied the grains of the tables intensely, wishing to the world that he could somehow just disappear.

“Virgil?” Logan prompted.

“Yeah,” Virgil choked out, “Yeah, Roman’s right.”

The conversation didn’t really go much further that night, but his boyfriends did convince him to bring it up at therapy later that week.

* * *

Three days later he was back in for a liver biopsy. Patton went with him this time. Virgil had been slightly against the idea, because after the whole conversation earlier that week, things had seemed kind of off between the two of them. But honestly, it probably ended up being the best choice of the three.

Virgil had insisted he would be fine by himself, but all three refused when they learned he would have to stay for a few hours after to be monitored. Roman was squeamish around needles, so he was instantly out. Logan didn’t have any real cons, but he also had no pros. Patton, on the other hand, had wanted to come. Plus, out of all of them, Patton had been in and out of medical facilities the most. And sure, Virgil was in for a totally different reason, but it was nice to have someone with him to understand just the complete suckiness of anything medical related.

Also, Patton made good company after the fact. Even if things between them were a bit awkward. Until Patton mentioned it.

“Things between us are weird right now,” he mentioned.

Virgil froze.

“I’d like to talk about it,” Patton continued, “But I’m not about to corner you in a hospital bed. So, do you want to talk about it now?”

“Yeah, that’s okay, we can talk about it now,” Virgil insisted, moving to sit up slightly in the bed.

“Are you sure?” Patton asked as his eyebrows knitted together.

“Yes,” Virgil promised back.

Patton didn’t say anything to that, so Virgil took the opportunity to speak first.

“You think I deserved the transplant,” he said.

“Yes,” Patton agreed, voice firm. He hesitated, “But I get what Roman said about that not really mattering.”

“But?”

Patton sighed and leaned forward.

“I guess it's just, it makes me really sad about how little you seem to care about yourself,” Patton confessed, “Because I see you as a truly wonderful and spectacular person. And I’m sad that you can’t see that.”

The comment brought tears to Virgil’s eyes and he laid back, staring at the ceiling, desperately trying to blink them away.

“I wish I could see that about myself,” he confessed.

At that point, Trixie let out a large whine and stood up from her spot. She padded over to Virgil’s bed and get on her hind legs, placing her forepaws on the side, ready to jump up.

“Trixie, no,” Virgil said softly.

She whined at the command, but did as told. She took her paws off the bed and sat down, staring up at him with forlorn eyes.

“Place,” he reminded her.

She huffed a bit, making both Patton and Virgil laugh slightly before padding over and curling up. She put her head on her paws but kept her eyes fixed on Virgil.

“I’m sorry baby,” he told her, “But I can’t have you up here right now. You might hit the incision.”

Virgil then refocused on Patton.

“I love you,” Patton told him. His voice was almost desperate, as if Virgil might of forgotten.

“I know Pat. I love you too. And I am working on this type of stuff. You know that.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“We okay?” Virgil offered gently.

Patton nodded with a sniffle.

“C’mon here,” Virgil said, now smiling. He opened his arms wide.

Patton stood, hand on the chair for support, before reaching over to gingerly hug him.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Virgil promised.

Patton just nodded into his shoulder.

* * *

When Virgil got the test results back, they confirmed that he was rejecting his liver. He was placed on immunosuppressants and his medicine regime was changed.

A while after, and the immunosuppressants had done their job, putting Virgil in the clear. His body had stopped rejecting his liver. They changed medicines up again and he was given the same strict regime he had been following beforehand and made promises to make the necessary follow up appointments. And Virgil was okay.

During all of this he went in and saw Picani, and they had a long talk about Virgil’s feelings of the worth of his own life. It certainly didn’t solve anything, but it did make him feel a bit better about the whole situation. Virgil wasn’t sure if he would ever truly feel like he deserved his transplant, or if he would ever stop feeling guilty about the transplant going to him. But there wasn’t much he could do about that.

But he could learn to appreciate it and forgive himself. And so that is what he would try to do. He would just keep stumbling forward, because really, what else was there to do? And his boyfriends, as always, would be waiting for him. And that was worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> **In-Depth TW: Organ Transplants/Rejection/Failure** (Virgil had a liver transplant due to liver failure, and his body is now rejecting that transplant), **Needles (mentioned)** (it is mentioned that medical procedures will include needles), **Medical Procedures** (Virgil goes through numerous medical procedures, specifically a blood test and a biopsy), **Past Suicide Attempt (discussed)** (Virgil briefly discusses his two suicide attempts), **Overdose (past)** (Virgil admits to attempting suicide by overdose), **Blood (mentioned)** (Virgil gets his blood drawn), **Survivor's Guilt** (Virgil feels guilt over getting a liver transplant over other people in need)
> 
> -
> 
> TBH, I don't really know where this came from. I've mentioned Virgil's suicide attempts very briefly before, but well, I feel like attempts are talked about a lot, but the aftermath, besides shame, isn't really discussed. Many people don't realize the abundance of health issues that can follow a suicide attempt, especially with overdoses. That being said, Virgil's case is also an extreme version of this.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and I apologize for breaking any hearts. I'd love to know your thoughts. And remember, always be polite!
> 
> ~childoflightning
> 
> Also my tumblr is [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Feel free to bug me, ask questions about the series, or whatever. I do occasionally post extra content there for anyone interested.


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